Tanks Aces Rumble Round Up

 <Geordie-Accent>Week One in the the Tank Aces house ...</Geordie-Accent>

Welcome again tankophiles to Phatcats Does Tank Aces, your regular(ish) penetrating 88mm tale of armoured joy.  In this blog we'll be regaling you with tales of bravery, foolhardy antics and utter randomness from the first week of the campaign.  The campaign map is divided into three attack routes through which the heroic Allies aim to drive the villainous Hun back to the foetid arse-pit they call home*.  A win requires you to kill all of your opponent's tanks.  Anything else is a draw!

Combat Route A

Match 1:  Phil's AARR v Spencer's Panzer Lehr
Phil's plucky truckers squared off against the might of the Panzer Lehr and a game that involved a rather aggressive tanky tango.  With kill opportunities limited for Phil he had to use his mobility to outflank and out position his tougher opponent.  Spence played it cautiously though sticking to terrain and using his tougher tanks to out muscle the tiny tetrarchs.

Kills:  Spencer 7 Phil 2
Result:  DRAW

Match 2:  Phil's AARR v Nick's Schwere Panzer
It didn't look good from that start to be honest.  Phil's sole chance at a kill required two sequential hits on the flank of a Tiger with Nick rolling a 1 both times.  Not quite lottery odds, but the kill stats for Phil won't surprise you.  What might surprise you though is that with 12 Allied tank on the table Nick needed at least two kills per turn to win.

Kills Nick 2 Phil 0
Result: DRAW

Combat Route B

Match 1:  Nick's Schwere Panzers v Chris' British Armoured Company
An unfortunate checker board deployment left Nick with one Tiger in each corner of the board surrounded by angry englisher-schweinhunds in their verdamt Fireflys!  Without enough fire power to kill the British quickly enough Nick finally succumbed.

Kills Nick 2 Chris 2
Result:  ALLIED VICTORY

Combat Route R 

(not a typo; this is an American naming convention apparently!)

Match 1:  Gaz's Guards Heavy Tanks v Lee's Schwere Panzers
In the tank equivalent of the super-heavyweight championship Gaz's IS2 rolled out against Lee's two Tigers.  In what would become the most one-sided combat of the night Lee took out all three IS2s in very short order.  Apparently he didn't roll a single dice throw lower than 4 for the entire match!

Kills Lee 3 Gaz 0
Result: AXIS VICTORY (subject to tests for performance enhancing drugs on Lee's dice)

Match 2: Gaz's Guards Heavy Tanks v Coops StuG Battery
Like a scaled up version of Tetrarchs versus Tigers, Coops realised early on he need to flank the IS2s in order to get a kill shot.  Gaz had learned well though following his early match and it wasn't long before the field was full of burning StuGs.

Kills Gaz 6 Coops 0
Result: ALLIED VICTORY

*Journalistic neutrality disclaimer:  If you're expecting fair treatment of all parties in this conflict then you're going to be disappointed.  Expect jingoism, shameless xenophobia, blatant stereo-typing, rampant, unbalanced and sweeping generalisations.  In this world the baddies wear black hats with a swastika on it.  One thing we haven't exaggerated for comic effect however is Ross' love of the cock.  I mean he is an absolute cock monster, a cockaholic, a pink-oboe playing, rooting-tooting cock-wrangler with a life time supply of amil nitrate and a case load of oranges.  He doesn't always buy you dinner first either apparently ...